I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I bet he comes in French.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
