Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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