my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize