Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
