Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize