they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
