cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
