dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
