so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
