That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
