Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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