why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
