What did we do last night that was yellow?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
