I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
