omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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