dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
