Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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