come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize