I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize