You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
