Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
birth control should be required to get into college
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
