she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
All I want is dick and wine.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize