I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
zippers are such a cool invention
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
