I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
