The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
