the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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