trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
