I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You pole danced in your parka.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize