There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
