Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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