just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Randomize
