Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
