you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
