I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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