You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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