I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
