I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
