He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
