Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
