i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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