also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
