Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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