we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Two words: nipple clamps
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