i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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