smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
