Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
