Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
