Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
