Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
