If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
