I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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