for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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