just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
