really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
