gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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