There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
