If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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