There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize