dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
